New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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