Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
