Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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