He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
