You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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