it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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