I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
