Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
