I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
