I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
