I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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