I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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