I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
