I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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