so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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