Your tits are I can't wait for
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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