Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
