I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
