u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
