He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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