just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
