hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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