my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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