i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
