I showed him my bush... on skype.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
