and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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