the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
