Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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