I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
