I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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