Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize