I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
