my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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