Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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