and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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