the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
and you fell through a lawn chair
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
