Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
