At least make sure they are 18
Why
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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