I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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