where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
