you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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