All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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