I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
