Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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