Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Never joke about your clitoris.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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