I can text with my tongue
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
