My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
FUCK WHALES
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