he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
