That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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