Dude my mom stole all your condoms
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
