I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
